listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
