I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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