dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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