He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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