I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.