Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.