god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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