I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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