There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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