I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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