Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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