why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize