i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
