Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
