Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
