She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
