I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
