I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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