brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
