he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
