I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You're like the curious george of whores
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
