I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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