upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
