bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Randomize
