I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
