If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
