I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
