Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
