I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
a search helicopter?!
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Even my vagina gasped.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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