I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
