he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
