I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
