just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
