I just cut my nipple shaving
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
