break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
