I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Someone shattered a urinal.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
