I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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