so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
