I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
