I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
