Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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