You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
