I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's like iHOP with fire
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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