Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
