someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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