goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
