Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize