My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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