I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
