do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
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my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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