Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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