theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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