yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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