i think my mom watched the whole time
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
