I heard we made out
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
