Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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