how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
