I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
