you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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