I'm going to jail i love you
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
