dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
